By Lizzy Bliss
Have you ever tried to explain an orgasm to someone who has never had one, without looking like you’re trying to act out Quasimodo in a game of charades?
I’m not saying sex isn’t enjoyable without an orgasm. You can have satisfying, brilliant sex without climaxing. But some wonder what an orgasm feels like and doubt whether they’ve reached orgasm before or not.
The women reading this who understand what orgasms feel like are probably thinking “girl, you’ll know when you know”. But, anorgasmia is real and explaining an orgasm to someone who’s never experienced one is tricky.
So, whether you’ve never had sex before and you’re curious, or you’ve had your fair share of sexual experiences but are still unclear as to whether you’ve seen the colour blue or not, I’m going to try to explain how you would know if you’ve had an orgasm or not.
So, what is an orgasm?
In my opinion, the best way to describe it, without complicated scientific terminology, is that an orgasm is the peak of sexual tension that comes as the result of throbbing contractions fusing within your pelvic floor, uterus and vagina—all at the same time, in an enormous sensual relief.
The above-mentioned typically transpires in three phases:
1 Eagerness and excitement
When you’re aroused, typically from foreplay, flirting or anticipation, the blood starts to drain from the rest of your body (mostly your brain) and rushes to your genital region. At this point, you experience an increase in dopamine, testosterone and serotonin. All this makes you feel stimulated and warm.
Sexual tension builds up to the point where it feels like you have to urinate, but you don’t have to. At this point you have very little control over yourself, you’re giving into something primal and gearing up for an oxytocin release. It’s at this point in movies or TV shows where they start to scream or make funny noises.
3 The big O
This is when the contractions come. They aren’t painful like birth contractions, but more like that great feeling when you sneeze, just more pleasurable and prolonged. The heat you started feeling during the excitement phase now spreads through your whole body, and there’s a massive release, and you can breathe again.
Your breathing regulates, and the blood moves away from your throbbing areas. The orgasm varies in length, anything from 15 seconds to over a minute, and this is highly dependent on your state of mind and level of arousal.
● Elevated heart rate and breathing.
● Blood flow and a warm feeling starting in your genital region.
● Multiple, but pleasurable vaginal contractions.
● Hyper-sensitivity immediately following in your vaginal region (best for your partner to keep still at this point).
● Immediate relief and feeling of calm and serenity after (thank you, oxytocin).
Here’s how some other anonymous women describe an orgasm:
Like a good sneeze
“A gradual building of enjoyable tension and then a quick release with a little jolt of pleasure. The best analogy is a good sneeze, the kind that goes aah-aah-AAH-AAH-CHOO, but with a longer build-up and usually more pleasure and a bit more duration on the release.
“Sometimes, at first, a girl’s orgasm can be so small she’s not sure if it was a real one.
“But gradually your body gets better at doing the build-up longer and further, holding off the release so it’s stronger.”
Scratching an itch
“I think like when you get a mosquito bite and you scratch it and you get that oooooooooooooh my god feeling. Like that, but more central to your genitals.“
“It begins like a throbbing sensation in my clitoris. Then it grows into an almost burning/tingling sensation that spreads out in waves across my pelvis. It can last anywhere from a few seconds to almost a minute or two. Many women have different experiences, but that is the closest I can describe to what I feel.”
Increasing your chances of reaching an orgasm
More foreplay and build-up
Foreplay is of paramount importance, not only for the sexual experience but for a healthy relationship as well. Women, on average, need around 15-20 minutes to reach orgasm.
Men, on the other hand, require an average of 5 minutes. Much of this time has nothing to do with the orgasm itself; it’s all about anticipation and excitement.
Foreplay is like planning for a big trip; it should be as much fun as the trip itself and is a necessity for a great experience.
The orgasmic kind. Stress is an orgasm killer and is one of the main reasons women struggle to orgasm. If you have a hard time relaxing, you can try something called orgasmic meditation. It’s when you and your partner try what’s referred to as “mindful touching”.
This can be in a prone position or sitting position, but make sure you and your partner have access to the critical areas from the start. Comfort is key. The end goal should be focused on stroking the clitoris as an erotic build-up, “meditative edging”, if you like.
Don’t overthink it. Yes, there’s a lot of hype on this topic, but overthinking it leads to the wrong kind of anticipation. Don’t create problems in your mind where there are none.
Force it out of your mind when you start going down the orgasm rabbit hole. Chill out, relax and let things happen naturally.
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